Fortunately

I asked my fortune cookie, will I beat this cancer? And my fortune was:

"You will have a long and healthy life."

hair

Also yesterday my scalp started feeling very bizarre. Like when you wake up with a spot feeling as if it's bent the wrong way, except my entire head felt that way. And it's definitely starting to come out. I've had super short hair for 10 years, and the thought of being bald doesn't bother me. But when I'm holding a clump of hair after running my hand across my head, it is unnerving and makes me feel like I'm falling apart. On the other hand, it is visual proof that the clear liquid dripping from the IV bag is, in fact, something that is eliminating cancer cells. In the afternoon I met with Dawn in the city to learn about meditation and guided imagery (and snack on chocolate and green juice!) While I was there I went to an incredible hat shop called Alternative Design Studio Hats
and bought 3 hats.

Dear John

Yesterday I sent a message through the Black Rock City Post Office to be delivered to the Temple:

"To my ovarian cancer cells that chemotherapy will kill during the next 5 months- You are not welcome here. It was just not meant to be..."


From the Jackrabbit Speaks:

The BRC Post Office (Extreme Version) at Tokyo Plaza is initiating the Email-to-Playa Art Program this year. Have your default-world situated loved-ones follow the instructions on:

http://www.brcpostoffice.com/arttoplaya

and they will be able to send a short message transformed to art delivered to their favorite Burning Man participant. The intended BRC citizen will receive it as art (our choice as to which artistic medium!) delivered in person. If we fail to track down the citizen in question, one of our grumpy and/or sexy postal employees will have the art-transformed message at the Tokyo Post Office.

True Nature Reiki

http://www.truenaturereiki.com/

Rene has been wonderful, even coming to work on me in the hospital! Here's a link to her practice, True Nature Reiki.

A Good Week

Friday wasn't so bad after all. That's a huge relief! My diaphragm calmed down and I just had a teeny bit of nausea and just felt generally tired and unsettled. And bloated. Yesterday was better and today I felt downright good!

I spent a good part of the day reading the blog of a friend's experience dealing with breast cancer. I've read about 5 months worth, think I'll continue it tomorrow. Now I'm sitting here drooling after a visit from Deborah, who gave me the loveliest and longest foot massage ever!

Bloated idiot

I have learned that it's true that it takes a few days before the full effects of chemo hit you. Wed. I went in for the treatment, Thurs. I still felt pretty good (which was nice since it was my birthday. We had an impromptu dinner with some friends, a lovely sunset, a humongous chocolate cake and a nummy banana cream pie...) then Fri. hit and I felt horrible. I'm writing this almost a week later and I have successfully blocked most of it out. But I do remember at one point wondering if I really would be able to handle this. The weekend was shot, except for a nice little reality check from Rene, who helped me calm down with some reiki.

Finally felt better on Mon. I went to a yoga session for cancer patients (I really hate how that sounds!) and it was amazing. We did a lot of breathing and guided imagery and a few simple poses and stretching. I felt so nurtured. And on Tues. I went for acupuncture. I'm finally starting to do some of the things that can really help me, instead of wallowing in self-pity.

Wed. went in for part 2 of my first round of chemo. This was supposed to be a short day, but we were still there from 8:30 until 4. This time only Taxol, abdominally, and only about 1/3 dose. Last night I couldn't sleep at all, my heart was pounding and I couldn't take deep breaths because my diaphragm is super sore, probably from the huge bags of fluids getting pumped into my abdomen. I am a bloated idiot! Finally slept around 5 am, for about 3 hours. Today was a good day, but now I can feel it starting to set in. Tomorrow will be fun.

Ok, let's see who gets the bloated idiot reference!

No Prob!

This first day doing chemo wasn't too bad at all!  Here was my day:

7:30- Lab for blood work

8:00- Appt. with doctor to check on my new port.  After the placement, he had spoken with Ethan on the phone that they had seen a few spots of cancer about the size of rice grains.  So he was able to tell us more- they were actually very, very small, very common, and will be obliterated by the chemo.  

9:00- Up to the infusion clinic.  The nurse was super nice (and has a dog named Abbie-bell.)  It took a while to get in and settled, then they put in the IV and started pumping in anti-nausea and anti-allergy medicine.  Then started the Taxol.  It was just a plastic bag filled clear fluid hooked onto the IV stand.  Didn't feel anything.  Then had a bunch of hours chatting with Serafine, Ethan and Sarah, watching a smidge of the Olympics, eating a quesadilla and getting the lay of the land.  Next came the Platinol, into my intraperitoneal port (IP for short).  Another innocuous bag on the IV stand.  Again, didn't feel anything.  Really the only thing I was feeling at this point was a bit of wooziness from the anti-allergy stuff.  Then a visit from Lego Kevin, an attempt at reading, some snoozing and watched a few episodes of Lost on the laptop (thanks Molitov!)  

7:30 pm- Check out

...

nervous...

What do I want????

Really, I don't know. It's very confusing. I want to be taken care of and to be left alone at the same time. I want people to feel sorry for me, I want to feel sorry for myself. No, actually, I'm fine. Go away. I told you it's confusing!

I was talking to Allison about this. I told her that this is hard for me because I'm a back of the audience kind of person and all of a sudden I'm on the stage with a big spotlight on me.

One thing I want that I can actually verbalize is that I want to make it to the end of the 6 rounds of chemo. And I might want to quit before then. I've heard a good amount of people don't make it to the end. So I need all of you to be my cheerleaders! Encouragement, threats, bribes... whatever it takes!


(This is what happens when I try writing a post while watching the movie, The Tracey Fragments...)

Phospho-soda

If anyone ever has to drink this, I truly feel sorry for you.

I have another 5:30 a.m. hospital appointment. This time for a laparoscopy to put the port in my abdomen. The really good thing is that while they're in there they'll look around and if any tumors have grown since the last surgery, they can be removed. So I'll be starting chemo with a clean slate.

And it looks like chemotherapy will start on Aug. 13th. So it looks like I'll have a few days of feeling good before then. Fun in the city?